50 things
this lady gave me an assignment a few years back during a neverending email exchange we had going during one boring day at work for each of us. she told me to make up 50 blatant lies about myself. they didn’t need to make sense, in fact, the more over-the-top, off-color they were, the better.
it was quite entertaining. here’s what i came up with, but please don’t mind the dated-ness of some of the selections:
1) my most erotic fantasy is to be completely enswathed in scotch tape and stickers.
2) if it weren’t for me, noah would have left the giraffes behind.
3) i really do know what it’s like to be a pint of guinness.
4) i breathe helium.
5) everything i read is actually written backwards…
6) …so to translate, a small mirror was implanted in the back of my eyeballs.
7) i use large bubble wrap to cultivate life in mini bio-domes.
8) my intention was really for white out to be sniffed.
9) i perfected my lasso technique while fishing off the shore of nova scotia.
10) i have pauly shore’s head in a jar on my dresser.
11) i met jimmy page in an airport while reading “catcher in the rye”.
12) the statue of liberty was really a gift from me, though i wanted her to be wearing a two-piece prom dress.
13) i loaned lorena my knife.
14) my expertise on headphone fashion was utitlised in designing princess vespa’s “bun-phones”.
15) the inside of my eyelids are tattooed with a map of the constellations.
16) after midnight, my body moves like a slinky.
17) i am in possession of jordan knights’ “tail”.
18) i used to work as a foreman in the “hello kitty” factory in japan.
19) i am deathly afraid of cotton balls.
20) for every gray hair i pluck, i grow a new toe.
21) my old living quarters was that of an airline attendant’s pushcart.
22) sometimes my eyes secrete gatorade.
23) i left emmanuel lewis at the altar. to be with tina yothers.
24) as a child, my tea parties consisted mainly of stolen mannequins from sears and decapitated crash test dummies.
25) d.b. sweeney’s “cutting edge” ice skating skills were taught by yours truly.
26) the dreadlocks from my days as a rastaman are in a cryogenic freeze.
27) just for fun, i unscrewed all the lightbulbs of vegas’ riviera hotel.
28) my most prized possession is safely tucked away in the pouch of a kangaroo at the san diego zoo.
29) i have sabotaged every one of steve fossett’s attempts to circumnavigate the earth in a balloon.
30) i hold the world record for the most pencil top erasers suctioned to my body.
31) i was head engineer for the “tennessee tornado” ride at dollywood.
32) i once built a fort entirely out of tator tots and marshmallows from lucky charms.
33) my checkbook is actually “game show” size.
34) i really am lauren ambrose.
35) the epilady debacle was only partly my idea.
36) my nutrition comes primarily from snacking on cans, old tires, and shoes.
37) i put a brick underneath the gas pedal in o.j.‘s bronco.
38) while in cairo, i was captain of a boat with a sail that read, “the nile is vile”.
39) i got passed over for the role of the dancing tomato slice in the quizno’s commercial for not getting “jiggy” enough.
40) instead of blood cells, i have a series of 1s and 0s running through my veins.
41) i was invited to be the keynote speaker at a job distractions seminar in waukegan on how to twirl pens and other office supplies.
42) barney fife is my next door neighbour.
43) i was shot at by dustin diamond.
44) i trained my todd mcfarlane beatles’ dolls to welcome requests.
45) i am the product of a celestial encounter between gillian anderson and clint howard.
46) i am heir to abe froman’s sausage kingdom.
47) i am spearheading a campaign to reinvent the popularity of poodle skirts.
48) i moonlight as a fire-breathing, mogul skiing, flyfishing ice dancer.
49) i own 4 mary kay cars for my excellence in skin care pushing.
50) during one of my post-heroin fits, i found solace in nuzzling next to big bird in his oversized nest.