when to come of age
i attended a small art opening that the boy was asked to participate in over the weekend. the paintings and photographs adorning the walls were all nothing less than superb, and then it dawned on me that i haven’t advanced the level of my own art, even with the purchase of my alleged savior, the D50. i remember thinking back that conventional photography was too cumbersome and expensive and time-consuming and these were all reasons that treesquirrel wasn’t being updated as frequently as it should be and why i wasn’t marketing myself and why i wasn’t getting my art out there more. but going digital – now there was the solution to all my problems!
hrm.
i was only further reminded of my languid spirits towards photography when i was put on the spot by a stranger. a talented man who admired the boy’s work had been chatting him up when the conversation turned in my direction. i’m all too content to listen idly, glancing around, interjecting if it applies and seems appropriate, but to be put on the spot? these are reasons that though active in high school and college activities, i chose to be the little helper girl. stage fright maybe, but i’m prone to flying below the radar, do my own thing without stirring up attention. unless it involves karaoke. that’s a whole other ball of wax.
i don’t blame the stranger, he was merely attempting to involve me further with industry speak, to ease the seeming isolation as i stood at the boy’s side. he could never have known that the question he posed about “what i did” was causing internal hostilities only moments prior.
so, yeah, “what do i do?” that is, when i’m not agonizing over what to shoot next or when i’m not beating myself up for not shooting every local gathering/event/festival/parade or why i’m not traveling more in effort to shoot other cities’ local gatherings/events/festivals/parades or when i’m going through all my old work in hopes of sparking something and no new ideas emerge and if maybe i’m not so into “stirring up attention” for myself then what’s the point in the first place…
sure, i’m being hard on myself. and this isn’t my fake attempt at humility. it’s all sincere, baby. grappling with worries of “good enough,” “the next big thing,” and “perhaps it’s over” are all true and pure.
that being said. i have an assignment at some point this summer. my sister has chosen me to do her senior photos for school to avoid the drab staged photography from the whopping three studios in town that all the other seniors will be throwing money at. i am honored. and petrified.