another weekend at its close
remember those days of adolescence when you pined for the summer? perhaps my memory isn’t serving me well these days, but i vaguely recall enjoying my school days. but i enjoyed the in-between months far more. crappy minimum wage jobs where goofing off was a given. staying out late, mandatory stops at denny’s and whatever other random events that teenagers in rural america find themselves getting into.
now, i don’t consider myself old under any circumstances, but when i look back at times that were much less structured, i miss it. and it’s odd really, knowing that i have more money in my pocket, a bigger city to play in and no true rules to abide by. and i wonder, have i lost my sense of spontaneity? i do know that my sense of practicality has taken a step forward with each passing year. but at what cost?
i sit here, about 45 minutes before my “bedtime” regretting that maybe my weekends aren’t as productive or adventurous as they could be. knowing that at 6:30 am, i’ll be back in the week’s grind, sitting at a desk, dealing with counterparts at a job that i enjoy some days, find a nuisance others. and realizing that the only upcoming event that i’m anxiously awaiting is my wedding/vacation. granted, it’s a long-awaited event that deserves the attached excitement, but then what? a 4-day weekend in seattle later in the fall? then christmas? and boom. the year is over.
when did our lives revolve around short bursts of playtime when we agonize over everything else around it? or maybe it’s just me.
i’ve been struggling with the notion of corporate/office life as of late. admittedly, i’m envious of the boy’s lot in life, and we’ve discussed it in length. he does what he loves, is damn good at it and can do it from the comfort of our home in his boxers, if he so chooses.
at the age of 22, i told myself i didn’t want to work in an office. and 8 years later, i’m reminding myself of that everyday i bike to work downtown. something’s gotta give. something’s gotta change. yet i reflect on what i’ve “achieved” financially – i’m not living the good life by any means, but i’m comfortable. to give it all up and start anew. do i have it in me?
of course, there is something to be said of my creativity when i was broke. i wrote more, i photographed more, i even dabbled in painting and ceramics. hell, i even left the country more. fascinating, isn’t it?
obviously, i survived. and came away with some entertaining stories. and i’ve learned some new skills along the way as i wander in out and out of jobs. but the one thing i have yet to figure out is how to work a job that doesn’t feel like such. how do i take what i know and apply it to stuff that matters, to things i enjoy?
naz told me not too long ago that he would love for me to come home and talk up my job. tell him tales of things i labored on that i truly found comfort in. sadly, this hasn’t happened yet, and even more sadly, it won’t until i do something about it. to stop being complacent. to make a jump. to be scared again. to not know. and then those survival skills will poke their wayward head in again.
but for now, i’ll listen to my life’s current anthem from arcade fire, “antichrist television blues,” where the opening line fittingly is “i don’t want to work in a building downtown.”