a lost love
perhaps i’ve been distracted by fleeting notions of moving, saving money, restraining myself from purchases of much needed furniture. or, perhaps, going freelance, though wonderful and liberating, simultaneously has me bound by other concerns. and then there’s the other interests i’ve taken up, perhaps you see it as an affair of sorts. and maybe it is. maybe i need some time. to think. to cultivate. to sort myself out.
you do remember when i drifted from you in the past, yes? and i came back, feeling refreshed and renewed, right? hopefully, this is just another cycle, and my affections will return after this hiatus.
i tripped upon this love of photography in college while studying audio engineering. after a couple instructors warned each new class that the jobs were few and far between in recording studios and the like, i began to doubt. and rightfully so. fortunately, i got bored during summers and felt the need to educate myself further. photo 1 was the catalyst. booking time in the darkroom, becoming a master at uncoiling rolls of film and recoiling on reels in pitch blackness, breathing in chemical fumes. it was all so organic. from start to finish. from pressing the shutter to black and white prints drying on a rack. it was all mine.
regardless of my captivation, i knew photography wouldn’t be a career. i’ve likened my feeling to that of working in your favorite restaurant. how soon would you grow weary of the same dishes? hell, even top chefs go enjoy a box of mac-n-cheese and a whopper. i was completely content with photography just being a hobby, with the occasional commission or sale of a print.
when my conventional methods were loosing a battle with my laziness, the boy convinced me to go digital. and i did, begrudgingly at first, but soon i enjoyed the instant gratification. i had no excuse anymore not to produce work. a photo blog was born. and though late to the party of photo blogging, i thought for sure i’d stick with it.
sadly, i didn’t. other life things got in the way. i was still taking photos, just not publishing them. then i noticed a disturbing trend where i really only reached for my camera when i was packing a bag to travel somewhere.
and even more disturbing: during my most recent jaunt, i came home with 23 exposures. that’s less than a real roll of film. and the above photo is 1 of 3 images i’ve felt worthy enough to upload to flickr.
how far i have fallen. if i sound a bit melancholy, it is intended. photography represented my time in college and thereafter, when life was simpler, when i didn’t understand everything around me, and yet, i remained content. or so i remember it. perhaps even that part is fading away.
I understand this sentiment painfully well. But at one point I imagined my camera being the gateway to my employment. And then in college something happened and I became disillusioned with the prospect of using it for a job. But I still took rolls and rolls of pictures even though I couldn’t afford to get them printed once I moved to Chicago. I probably have 100 rolls of film that I shot but never printed. Somewhere. And it was only a few years ago when I realized that I enjoyed the full process with my hands in the chemicals coaxing light areas to darken in the developer. It was the tactility that I enjoyed most, not the finished shot. The image was just the end of my means. Someday, my other interests will fade and I’ll rekindle the darkroom in the basement. I’ll let you know when that happens. Maybe those smells will release those imaging neurons in your brain once again.
— Cinnamon · Mar 16, 01:52 pm · #
that would be awesome, cinnamon. sometimes i really miss having full darkroom access, but even knowing there are a few places in chicago that offer timeslots by the hour still isn’t quite the kick in the pants. but for now, i’ll just play with my yarn, my beads and your sewing machine. :)
— me · Mar 16, 04:50 pm · #
That is a beautiful photo, even if it is only one of a few… :)
I fell out of photography in the midst of my move here (losing access to the private darkroom I belonged to in NYC)…I’ve slowly gotten back into it and have even been out shooting color film (of all things!) in past weeks.
Your skills will still be there if/when you get the urge to get back into it…
— carolyn · Mar 17, 11:58 am · #
emo girl is emo.
— FredS · Mar 18, 10:25 am · #