left brain to rool the skool

back during junior year of high school, my english teacher, ms. bono (i’m pretty sure there’s no relation to sonny nor U2’s frontman) administered a right brain/left brain test. i can’t recall my score exactly, but i know i operated near the middle, with tendencies toward the left side. after telling the boy about the test, i googled my way into a short, multiple-choice test yesterday, and the results were not at all mind-blowing. seems my down-the-center adolescence made way for a left-brained adulthood. that would explain all the to-do lists, punctuality, schedules and penchant for math. yes, i like math. and of course, my right brain made appearances with nods to questions about music, singing and writing.

i never realized such a silly test could be so telling of my personality and how i’m feeling about life in general right now. while in college and the days since, i’ve surrounded myself with extraordinary talents in creativity. i know designers, craftspeople, photographers, writers, general artisans, and they all excel greatly in their chosen crafts. but it seems my left brain has felt slightly out of place in a right brain’s world. don’t get me wrong; i know i’m creative in my own right. my forays into photography and writing, and more recently in jewelry and sewing, all suggest that my right brain is certainly not dormant. but those anxieties about being imaginative on the job, in a career, have been plaguing me lately.

my first job out of college, i spent my time during alleged “creative” meetings staring at a piece of paper in front of me, taking notes on what everyone else was contributing. but i never uttered a word. i was terrible at brainstorming. and worse, i was terrible at speaking out loud, in front of my superiors. i started to realize right then and there that something didn’t sit well with my chosen path. even amongst my success stories during this job—i produced an hour-long video reel that had three measly changes from the client—i started second-guessing myself.

since then, i’ve held jobs i’ve been extremely good at, typically those that require an inordinate amount of attention to detail (proofreader/QA, anyone?), and ones where i knew i could do better, but i just didn’t know how (account management, video production). in those situations, the requirements of the position simply didn’t align with my traits. and another thing i learned from ms. bono is that altering your personality is one of the most difficult transformations you can make.

my last year in college i remember thinking to myself that if i hadn’t gotten a job(s) in my chosen field (media communications) in which i excelled as well as found enjoyment 10 years after graduation, i would return to school for something in…medicine*. how insightful i was at the age of 22 where i was already predicting malaise and ennui in communications/advertising/marketing. and here i am, 32 years old, almost 10 years to the date of my college graduation, admitting openly what i knew all along.

for me, i wanted so badly to be that carefree, impetuous innovative type, that i wanted to be looked upon as that girl who had crazy ideas, was a genius in her own right. (i blame going to a small liberal arts school.) but the truth is, i like my formulas, i like weighing my options, and i like making informed decisions. and i’ve been battling for some time with whether or not these traits are “cool.” because isn’t it cooler if you can pick up a paintbrush and just paint or sit down at a piano and just play? who raves about someone’s stellar spreadsheets or organized file folders? ooh ahh!

well, no longer do i really give a rat’s ass about being cool. what’s more important to me is to not bounce around “trying” to be creative for a job’s sake when those juices simply aren’t going to flow. but i do believe i can exercise a level of creativity in a more black and white setting, where numbers and figures and science are prevalent. maybe those iowa basic skills and ACT tests were dead-on—i always scored higher in math and science than reading and comprehension.

so while this country is going through some changes of its own, and while we make our move 2,000 miles away, i figure, why not add one more variable to the mix? this all sounds good in textpattern, but as i tweeted the other day, i may have found direction, but i’m worried about my follow-through. i guess it’s ok to be a bit apprehensive and scared. it only means i found the correct answer, right?

*no no, i’m not going to be a doctor. seriously, can you see me in school for 8+ years? and really, who is going to pay for that shit? i’m thinking something milder, something with technician in the title. something that can take about 2 years. but again, let’s see if i get off my butt in the first place.

12 March 2009