in time, we will rest

two nights ago, grandma drew her final breath. it wasn’t unexpected given her sudden onslaught of health issues, although none could be pinpointed as the main cause of her death. age certainly wasn’t on her side either; being 91 years old isn’t optimal for pursuing treatment. but moreover, she didn’t want the tests and poking and prodding and diagnoses anyway. nor did mom and her sisters. she led a good, full life, and in the end, she knew it was her time to go.

some of grandma’s last words to mom were of reserved regret. it should have been her a month ago instead of dad. why couldn’t she trade places? i find such rhetoric is often spoken during quiet moments of resignation, in attempt to extend a final line of solace. and as comforting as it may be to entertain the what ifs, the reality remains that negotiations of one life for another simply aren’t an option.

so yet again, mom and her sisters find themselves at the funeral home where three other relatives have been laid out before her in recent weeks. thankfully, grandma paid for her funeral and cemetery plot in advance, so little needed to be done in the way of preparation, save for some smaller details of the service and obituary. and in fact, even her name had been etched years ago on the shared headstone; her husband waits for her there.

as the phone calls and text messages flew this week, awaiting the impending news, i told mom she needed a vacation. we all need a vacation. i even suggested that all the ladies of her side of the family should come to san francisco for a getaway once everything is said and done. and now, it’s becoming a distinct possibility.

though as fun as it will be to experience familial capers in the city, in the back of my mind i’m reminded that dad was never able to make the journey out west. he would have loved the colorful people and the copious amounts of food options and the tourist traps on the embarcadero where he could buy crap trinkets and souvenirs. what’s more is he would have taken great pride in seeing his daughter, son-in-law, and fur-grandchildren living it up in this amazing environment, continuing to live life like they’re always on vacation.

but the real scenario is we only had been in california for a couple of months when he had his tracheostomy surgery. and once we realized the maintenance entailed in keeping the trach clean and with the regular visits to the doctor, getting on a plane for future travel quickly dissolved. visions of having the family out for a west coast christmas evaporated. my attempt at new family rituals understandably took a backseat as dad’s health became the number one concern. naz and i would continue to accommodate any holiday travel and other visits home. honestly, it didn’t matter to me where we were anyway, as long as we were able to spend quality time together.

with dad gone and his suffering ended, i hope to resurrect the plans of an occasional holiday spent here in san francisco. i want mom in particular to live the life she put on hold while caring for dad. it’s not to say i wouldn’t have liked for dad to share in these experiences. quite to the contrary. but sadly, the initial plans didn’t align with the unfortunate sequence of events. rarely do intentions go as planned anyway. undoubtedly, though, dad will be with us. he’ll be in the headlands. he’ll be in the hills of wine country. he’ll be on the shore of the pacific. he’ll be hanging off the side of a trolley chugging up california street. and he’ll be laughing the entire way, with true contentment and joy in his heart.

23 July 2010