dabbling in the unknown
years ago, when dad and his older brother jim were younger, they attempted to summon communication with spirits using the ouija board. good ol’ parker brothers’ infamous talking board captivated them long before my cousins and i got a hold of one in the basement and later heard creepy noises. perhaps hearing of dad’s tale incited my own curiosity, or perhaps experimenting with the occult by way of an innocuous game board is simply something teenagers do when they’re too young to date and are bored with trips to the mall.
when my cousins or high school friends and i interrogated the board, we asked it for that week’s lottery numbers or who we were destined to marry. (andrew wade, i’m no longer looking for you. kthxbai.) but dad and jim delved a little further, into territory i wasn’t completely comfortable with.
jim asked how he was going to die. motorcycle accident.
dad asked when he was going to die. 2008.
dad also asked it whom he was going to marry. J-U-A… he removed his hands from the planchette before it could finish. what woman’s name starts with J-U-A, he wondered. for the record, my mother’s name is juanita.
i’m sure they pursued answers to additional eerie questions, but those are the only ones dad ever mentioned. also, i must note that i’m paraphrasing the questions and answers; i don’t know for sure the exact phrasing of either. just know that the board predicted some uncanny accuracies, leaving quite an impression on dad.
jim dying in a motorcycle accident was true enough, and you can imagine how the family was sent into a tailspin. this was particularly true for dad given the above outcome of some teenage séances, episodes i’m certain his parents knew nothing about at the time. but i’ll reserve commentary on the matter. i wasn’t alive; truths have been blurred into fiction (and vice versa); and no one will ever know what happened because the two individuals who would know best are no longer with us.
as for dad dying in the year 2008, on the physical level, this is certainly incorrect. dad’s death is not quite two months old, but we’re still firmly planted in the year 2010. perhaps, though, we are left to interpret the beginning stages of death as seen through the eyes of the affected. after all, dad was diagnosed with cancer in late 2008, and a part of me always thought dad essentially died with the delivery of that news. i’m not insinuating he didn’t fight; i’m not implying he gave up. what i am suggesting, however, is a tinge of defeat probably grabbed a hold of his psyche and never left.
not having battled cancer myself, i am only left to wonder what he truly felt inside. how does one whole-heartedly fight the good fight? how does one avoid letting fate take the reigns; how can you stay in control of your health, your livelihood, your destiny? how does one even get up in the morning knowing your days are numbered?
there were days when i thought dad could be stronger. but truthfully, it played out as best as it could. he lived for almost two years with stage four throat cancer, a feat in and of itself, let alone for someone who didn’t value good health when he had it. we rode the highs of some hopeful moments throughout various treatments and operations, until the end when we knew he was just plain exhausted. and all he wanted was to see his dad and jim again.
during those ouija board exploits, dad and jim spoke of the after life and what they anticipated when their respective times would come. one of the pacts they maintained was the attempt for whoever died first to visit the other who remained alive. since jim was the first to go, dad waited for a sign from beyond, but to my knowledge, never received any. maybe jim’s failure to show in supernatural form, be it as an apparition or otherwise, was the idea that clung to dad since 2008 when he was given his diagnosis. the remainder of his time was spent lying in wait—he merely went through the motions of a living person when in truth his spirit had already joined his brother nearly two years prior.