a lost love
perhaps i’ve been distracted by fleeting notions of moving, saving money, restraining myself from purchases of much needed furniture. or, perhaps, going freelance, though wonderful and liberating, simultaneously has me bound by other concerns. and then there’s the other interests i’ve taken up, perhaps you see it as an affair of sorts. and maybe it is. maybe i need some time. to think. to cultivate. to sort myself out.
you do remember when i drifted from you in the past, yes? and i came back, feeling refreshed and renewed, right? hopefully, this is just another cycle, and my affections will return after this hiatus.
i tripped upon this love of photography in college while studying audio engineering. after a couple instructors warned each new class that the jobs were few and far between in recording studios and the like, i began to doubt. and rightfully so. fortunately, i got bored during summers and felt the need to educate myself further. photo 1 was the catalyst. booking time in the darkroom, becoming a master at uncoiling rolls of film and recoiling on reels in pitch blackness, breathing in chemical fumes. it was all so organic. from start to finish. from pressing the shutter to black and white prints drying on a rack. it was all mine.
regardless of my captivation, i knew photography wouldn’t be a career. i’ve likened my feeling to that of working in your favorite restaurant. how soon would you grow weary of the same dishes? hell, even top chefs go enjoy a box of mac-n-cheese and a whopper. i was completely content with photography just being a hobby, with the occasional commission or sale of a print.
when my conventional methods were loosing a battle with my laziness, the boy convinced me to go digital. and i did, begrudgingly at first, but soon i enjoyed the instant gratification. i had no excuse anymore not to produce work. a photo blog was born. and though late to the party of photo blogging, i thought for sure i’d stick with it.
sadly, i didn’t. other life things got in the way. i was still taking photos, just not publishing them. then i noticed a disturbing trend where i really only reached for my camera when i was packing a bag to travel somewhere.
and even more disturbing: during my most recent jaunt, i came home with 23 exposures. that’s less than a real roll of film. and the above photo is 1 of 3 images i’ve felt worthy enough to upload to flickr.
how far i have fallen. if i sound a bit melancholy, it is intended. photography represented my time in college and thereafter, when life was simpler, when i didn’t understand everything around me, and yet, i remained content. or so i remember it. perhaps even that part is fading away.
